|for old times sake
||[Aug. 2nd, 2010|03:52 pm]
Oh, connecting on Facebook is so driveby, and intermixed amongst my FB friends are so many folks there who were once part of my intimate my family, people who don't speak to me since my divorce years ago. I just don't do well with change, I guess, cuz even after settling into peace after such an upheaval in my life, there are so many people I truly miss.
So fawk Facebook tiny updates and here's to one last old-fashioned gratitude list, El Jay style...
1) Meesha Lou. Meesha Lou. She finally learned to love that dang Fender at Rock Camp last week, and had her first rowdy gig at a crowded bowling alley. I had solid plans for the kid most of the summer, and she's learning so much about herself. I'm learning about her too as she grows older, and about mutual respect, stretching all I know of love. (And sometimes stretching my patience!) She's at grief camp this week. Run by a pack of do-gooder Lesbians. And you know, Lesbians will be the ones to save the planet. I believe it takes a community to raise a child, and I keep reaching to make sure she has all she needs, and has enough exposure to responsible, caring, sane grownups.
2) Mah babygrrl! We're outta here... 10 hours on the road tomorrow to the best strip of beach for five stolen days, and fuck it awwwllll.
3) For awhile, I felt such a raggedy-hearted responsibility toward all the BF.com family, but now I see all of our collective love became seeds, scattered everywhere, rooting and thriving. As it should be. :) I might just wander back in one day, a long lost cousin. I can handle the haters. When I was a webmaster, I always knew the misguided hate was just some reflection of someone else's experiences/expectations. Alot of the love was too, I learned. Ouch, but its good to know whats real. These days, I only want real. I do need those good people who get me in my life, and I hope I find an extended family again, beyond this stupid screen. For me and my girls.
4) My therapist. Man, did that lady save me. I work on my shit, eyes pried open to the beauty and to the ache. Back to essence. Back to feeling my own breath in my own chest, blowing on embers. Thank you, Judy.
5) Reuniting with my old beloved BFF Austin. Goddamn, I love hys whole face! My bud Colin whom I have known 30 years, best family man ever.
6) I'm grateful to be able to lead my family. It brings out the best in me.
7) Vulnerability has always been my muse, and I will bleed to connect with others through art or writing, hoping to hit upon some sustained note that reminds us all of our joys and sorrows. But lately I am trying to learn to let people love me back. Small scale exposure, these little experiments into utter openness, but I gotta say, holding my leaden arms out is like cracking ribs. Always... *always* love or fear, and astounding how they mingle and muddle.
8) You guys who've been such a support to me over the years, wherever you went. Love ya. And thanks.